I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
