the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
