Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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