Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
pop tarts are not kleenex
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize