sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Found your dick twin last night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
