dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
