Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
