dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
