meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
