The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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