I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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