Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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