I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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