last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
