why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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