ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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