I met the friendliest cop last night
Farmville is her only friend.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
