Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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