he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
