Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize