U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
