how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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