I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
