Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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