i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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