If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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