I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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