Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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