Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
