I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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