My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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