i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
