I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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