Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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