I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
