You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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