Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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