I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
