So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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