everyone is single if you try hard enough
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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