I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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