last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
