he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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