I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
