Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I lost the right to judge tonight
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
