The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
