I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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