Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
