There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
