i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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