oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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