You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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