Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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