I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
