Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
