Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
