She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
