i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
