I just saw a hot homeless man
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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